So, I decided to start a blog. I'm a normal, 25 year old girl, with a lot of friends, a good job and a loving family. What isn't so normal about me is my relationship with food. Food is one, meant to be simple, dimension of life that I have eternally struggled with. As have millions of other people on this planet.
For me, this was a struggle that began in childhood - I was brought up by two intelligent, ambitious, hardworking parents, who have provided me with only the best of opportunities to get a good headstart in life - but what they also provided me with was a controlling, black and white mentality towards food. Both my parents are very body conscious and in my eyes, have their own issues with food. Diet mentality was seeded in me at a very young age. When I was young, and relatively "controllable", I suppose I benefitted from my parents' approach to food in that I was well fed on almost nothing but healthy, high-nutrition foods. But as I grew up, I begun to rebel and find my own ways to sneakily enjoy all the foods I felt I wasn't allowed, and I didn't have full access to whenever I wanted it. As a result, I went through a chubby phase, and got bullied, by boys, at quite a tender age where I was just beginning to want boys to find me attractive.
Fortunately, not long after this, I transferred schools and landed myself a great bunch of friends. This distracted me from food a little, and I suppose spending more time around positive people who had more "normal" relationships with food was a helpful influence too. And I lost a chunk of weight, and began to feel quite attractive, and got my share of attention from the boys. But I was never quite as thin and attractive and popular as the prettiest girls, who were also the skinniest girls. And I knew I was still a bit funny about food. I used to come home from school and the first thing I'd do is fix myself dinner - whether I was hungry or not: food was always the first priority for me. Mum let me cook for myself as she went to the gym after work and ate later, when I was doing my homework. (My mum and dad had got divorced by this point by the way, and I was living with Mum, but saw Dad at weekends). Although Mum was very healthy (fruit n fibre for breakfast, salad for lunch and a "balanced meal" for dinner...always accompanied by more salad and plenty of vegetables) she still liked her sweet treats (she cannot eat a meal without having a bit of chocolate afterwards). So my dinners were always a bit of a feast - a generous helping of main course, and usually always followed by a pudding - more than I needed (I wasn't sporty at school so it wasn't as if I was working up a massive appetite playing netball after school).
So, my approach to food was always a bit gluttonous. I had certainly never heard of (or even remotely thought of) the concept of listening to your body and just eating when you're hungry. That was not the approach that my parents demonstrated. (My Mum does eat when she's hungry but what she eats is very controlling and routined - and she can't seem to finish a meal without a sweet treat, whether she's still hungry or not. She exercises A LOT and her mentality seems to be that this balances the food out - she loves her exercise as a hobby but loves the side effect of "being able to eat whatever you want" even more. Not that this is really what exercise should really be all about. My Dad has a more bingey relationship with food - eating less during the day and then a big meal at night. Treats were for holidays - where Dad literally pigs out on them. Dad exercises a lot too - every Sunday he runs about 20 miles!)
This got more and more out of control as I got older and gained more freedom. After 1st year of university I moved into my own flat and this was the real beginning of my issues with bulimia. My bingeing got worse and worse until I began trying to make myself sick. It wasn't easy at all back then, and I really scared myself. In fact after just the second time trying to make myself sick I suffered a small nose bleed and it really hit me that what I was doing was unhealthy. So, being a very proactive person, I dived straight onto the internet to do my research about bulimia, as I thought this might be what I had. I got a scare from what I read and realised I had to stop before it turned into something nasty (ie full blown bulimia).
It was at this moment that I had my Eureka moment that was a real turning point for me. I read, on a eating disorder website, about the principle of listening to your body - eat exactly what you want when you're truly hungry and stop when you're full. EUREKA! So that's how skinny people can eat chocolate??!?! It suddenly hit me! No wonder I had such a piggy relationship with food - I'd been deprived of all my favourite foods my whole life! I never felt like I was actually allowed things like chocolate, macaroni and cheese, pizza, even white bread! All quite normal foods really, but foods that my parents had classified as "unhealthy" and so I had to run to my granny's house, or friends houses, to be able to enjoy them (in more than I ever needed quantities!).
From that moment on I began to eat in my newfound way and over the course of a few months the weight literally dropped off me - I think I got to about 8 stone 3 pounds and loved my new body. (I'm only 5 foot 2 so this is a healthy weight for me and I truly believe this is my natural set point weight as it was so comfortable and I reached it by simply listening to my body and not depriving myself in any way). I also loved the fact that I was able to eat all my favourite foods, remaining in full control, and without a hint of guilt. It was brilliant!
Unfortunately though....it didn't last long. And I've spent the last 10 years desperately struggling to get back to that point. And failing. I have analysed to death what on earth went wrong, and I keep coming up trumps. Now I have quite a sticky problem with bulimia that I can't seem to shake off. It's just so frustrating. I think what happened is that I spent some time around some bad influences - mainly a girl who was a full-time bulimic (ie every meal was a binge that she immediately purged) who was completely body and food obsessed....and VERY skinny. I went on holiday with this girl and spent a room with her. After about a week I had completely lost track of the whole listening to my body concept, and was just obsessed with staying as skinny a possible, while feeling huge in comparison with my bulimic friend. My old bingeing habit resurfaced and got really quite out of control. In fact I by the end of the holiday I was just desperate to get home and back into my own routine. But I never managed to get into my old routine when I got back. Things just spiralled more and more out of control, I piled on about a stone and a half (as I was bingeing WAY more than I was purging) and I was desperate for help.
I managed to get some help, by seeing a counsellor at an eating disorder clinic. This helped for a bit, and in the meantime I met a boyfriend and just wanted to forget about the problem and move on with my life. So I stopped the counselling, but the problem wasn't fully fixed. This was a bad move I suppose, as the problem has just ticked along in the background for years now. Things have stayed a lot more in control than they were just before I went to counselling, but I've remained prone to bingeing and purging, and now it happens as often as about once a week. In fact in the past year (although I've lost a bit of weight somehow - I think because I've got "better" at purging) it's been happening as often as once a week.
I think what the main problem is now, is that having learned that by just eating when I'm hungry I will lose weight, I am now extremely strict about that rule, so that any time I eat when I'm not hungry I completely freak out about it (viewing it as excess) and an all or nothing response is triggered where I just immediately go into binge mode and can't stop eating until I've pretty much had one of everything I fancy...and then run to the bathroom to purge. Sometimes the binge/purging can be done and out of my system after just the one episode, but mostly it carries on for a couple of days (it usually happens at the end of the day, so about two or three evenings in a row I'll have an episode until I finally get over it and can start afresh again).
What I don't get about it is what's triggering the binges. Because I really don't think I deprive myself! I try my hardest not to and I know by experience and plenty of reading...that depriving yourself just makes you crave things and ultimately binge eat! Or am I depriving myself and not even realising? Or is it an emotional thing - I've read that bulimia can become a way of handling your emotions but I'm really not sure if this is the case with me - I think I am quite capable of handling my feelings in normal ways, and do quite often! Ok I acknowledge that sometimes I do use food for comfort - but usually when I'm already having issues with food eg I feel fat or I'm already in a bit of a binge/purge cycle. Or is it just a habit?
Basically, I am at the point now where I am THOROUGHLY fed up of dealing with this!! I want to lose some weight, I want to have a normal relationship with food and I don't ever want to feel guilty about what I eat or have to purge or anything like that, I just want to be naturally thin with a natural, comfortable, relaxed relationship with food and my body.
I try to listen to my body, and do for the most part, but it always seems to get to a point where I feel restricted by only being "allowed" to eat when I'm hungry, as there are times when I fancy something to eat when I'm not hungry (but why?? If I'm not depriving myself of things and am satisfied by my meals why am I still wanting to eat outside of meals?) and then the all or nothing thing is triggered if I do break the rule and eat something when I'm not hungry.
So I feel like to get over this, I need to go backwords and unlearn this rule about only eating when hungry. But that just leaves me completely confused as surely you are only meant to eat when you're hungry anyway? As in eating when you're not hungry is overeating and will make you overweight, which isn't exactly healthy and isn't going to make you feel good about your body (which is likely to induce more comfort eating - I genuinely find it hard to believe that people carrying more weight than they need to be, are genuinely happy with their bodies. I think EVERYONE is happier when they are their natural weight - ie the weight they would be if they just listened to their bodies and ate what they needed when they're hungry).
So I thought a blog might be useful - to get some advice, share thoughts, experiences, feelings...whatever...about food and the issues I, and many millions out there, am going through. So please feel free to leave your thoughts...and hopefully enlighten me i my search of my food freedom!!
Peace out.
